How to Validate feelings

Most people think validation means agreeing or admitting fault.

It doesn’t.

Validation means:

“I understand why you feel the way you feel.”

That’s it.

No fixing. No correcting. No “but look on the bright side.”

Just showing someone their internal experience makes sense.

And for a lot of people, that alone is what actually calms the nervous system, calms what could lead to a fight. People want to be heard and validation does that.

Why Validation Matters

Validation directly impacts how safe, connected and regulated someone feels, both internally and in relationships. Again, it's not about being right or wrong, it's about being able to stay connected long enough to work through something.

When someone feels invalidated, their brain hears:

• “You’re wrong for feeling that way”

• “You’re too much”

• “You shouldn’t be like this”

Feeling invalidated can lead to:

• escalate (get louder, more emotional), or

• shut down (disconnect, go quiet)

Validation does the opposite.

It tells the brain:

“You’re safe. You make sense.”

And once someone feels understood, they’re way more open to problem-solving.

What Validation Is NOT

People mess this part up constantly:

• It’s not agreeing

• It’s not saying they’re right

• It’s not approving bad behavior

• It’s not fixing the problem

You can validate someone and still disagree with them.

Example:

“I don’t agree with how you handled that, but I can see why you were that upset.”

Both can exist at the same time. The skill is being able to understand why someone feels the way they do based on THEIR current perspective.

3 step validation formula

1. Name the feeling you think they are feeling or repeat the feeling that they have said they are feeling

   1. "That sounds frustrating..."

   2. "I can see why you're feelings are hurt"

      
      

You are identifying the emotion not stating facts

2. Connect it to the situation

   1. "...especially since plans changed last minute"

   2. "...after you didnt hear back all night"

You are showing THEIR reaction makes sense in the context they are putting it in. The emotions someone is experiencing is based on the story they are telling themselves; the story may or may not be true, but at this point, that's not the point.

3. NORMALIZE the eperience the person is having

   1. "that makes sense"

   2. "i'd probably feel that way too"

Put it all together

"That sounds really frustrating, especially since the plans changed last minute, i'd probably feel that way too"

Important distinction:

You are validating THEIR EXPERIENCE

NOT agreeing with their interpretation or behavior

Validation gets you access to introduce reality checks, perspective alternatives, boundaries, without triggering defensiveness.