Maybe Wait to Get Married… Until You’ve Done Some Inner Work First

By me who sees this often

Let me start with this: I’m not anti-marriage. I’m not against love or commitment or romantic beach weddings with string lights and signature cocktails. I am, however, against rushing into forever before you’ve sat down with your not-so-cute inner wounds and said, “Hey, we should probably talk.”

Here’s what I’ve noticed — not just in my therapy office, but in real life, too:

A lot of people get married while they’re still in survival mode. Still living out unhealed patterns. Still trying to prove something to their parents, their exes, or their high school selves. And instead of marrying the version of themselves that’s calm, conscious, and emotionally secure… they marry the version that’s anxious, reactive, approval-seeking, or emotionally shut down.

Which means they likely marry someone who matches that version.

If you’re not doing the work, you’re likely attracted to someone who’s also not doing the work. And that dynamic can function, for a while. You normalize it. You adapt. You find ways to soothe the disconnection or avoid the emotional landmines. You make it work — not because it’s healthy, but because it’s familiar.

But then — life happens — you start growing.

Maybe you start therapy. Maybe you read a book that wrecks you a little. Maybe life just humbles you into waking up. You start realizing there’s healing to be done. That you deserve better. That your nervous system shouldn’t be in fight-or-flight every time your partner comes home.

And here’s where things often start to unravel.

You grow. They don’t.

You want more. They’re fine where things are.

You’re craving connection, growth, depth. They’re craving the same routine that kept everything comfortably numb.

And suddenly, you’re walking two different paths.

You try to bring them with you. You share your insights, your books, your podcasts. You nudge. You plead. You try to motivate. Sometimes they meet you there — and it’s beautiful. But more often, they don’t. Because healing is a personal choice. Growth is a personal decision. And not everyone wants to leave the comfort of their chaos.

So now you’re stuck between who you were, who you’re becoming, and who you married when you were still figuring it all out.

This is why I always say: Do the work first.

Ask yourself:

• What are the patterns I keep repeating?

• What wounds am I expecting my partner to fix for me?

• Do I even know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like?

Then, ask your partner:

• What does growth mean to you?

• How do you handle change?

• Are you open to evolving together, even when it’s uncomfortable?

And here’s a big one:

If I heal, will you support me?

If I hurt, will you sit with me?

But also — if you regress, am I prepared to sacrifice my growth to stay with you?

Heavy questions. But real ones.

So before you tie the knot, slow down. Take a breath. Look inward. Make sure you’re not just committing to someone — make sure you’re committing to who you want to become, too.

Marriage isn’t a solution. It’s a mirror.

And healing before the vows? That’s the best gift you can give to yourself and your future relationship. Not to mention, generations to come, if that's in your future.

#happyhealing