increasing and developing emotional intelligence (EI)

Emotional intelligence isn’t about being emotional, having lack of emotions, it's not about being nice or charismatic. It’s about being aware.

Aware of your emotions, aware of how they impact your actions, and aware of how your behavior affects other people.

It’s also one of the most valuable predictors of success—in work, in relationships, and in overall mental health. And the best part? Unlike IQ, emotional intelligence can be developed.

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A person sits quietly, journaling in a notebook - capturing thoughts, emotions and insights. A simple act of self-reflection that's foundational to building emotional intelligence.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman, who helped popularize the concept of Emotional Intelligence (EI), defines it as a set of skills grouped into five key areas:

1. Self-awareness - recognizing your own emotional triggers, patterns, and values

2. Self-regulation - managing impulses, staying calm under stress and choosing aligned responses

3. Motivation - inner drive, resilience, and goal-directed behavior

4. Empathy - understanding others' emotions without making it about you

5. Social skills - communicating clearly, resolving conflict, and building meaningful relationships

And it matters—big time. Research shows:

• 90% of top performers have high emotional intelligence (TalentSmart, 2020)

• People with high EI earn an average of $29,000 more annually than those with low EI

• Emotional intelligence accounts for 58% of performance in all types of jobs

• EI is linked to lower rates of anxiety, depression, and stress-related disorders (Salovey et al., Yale University)

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Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

In today’s world—where communication is constant, reactivity is high, and stress is normalized—emotional intelligence is no longer optional. It helps you:

• Stay grounded during conflict

• Respond instead of react

• Lead with empathy

• Navigate change and uncertainty

• Create deeper, more meaningful relationships

5 Evidence-Based Ways to Develop Emotional Intelligence

1. Practice Daily Emotional Check-Ins

Why it works: A Harvard study found that people who regularly name their emotions show improved emotional regulation and decision-making.

Try this:

Once a day, ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What triggered it?

• How is it showing up in my body or behavior?

Naming is taming. Journaling or voice-noting can help you track emotional patterns over time.

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2. Strengthen Your Pause

Why it works: Research from the University of Illinois shows that emotional intelligence is tied to response inhibition—your ability to pause before reacting.

Try this:

When emotionally activated, take 3 slow breaths and ask, “What is the most emotionally intelligent response I can choose right now?” This gives your prefrontal cortex time to re-engage and keeps you from reacting on autopilot.

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3. Build Empathy Through Active Listening

Why it works: Studies show that active listening improves emotional closeness and reduces conflict in relationships (Weger et al., 2014).

Try this:

When someone speaks, focus only on understanding—not fixing, defending, or replying. Use phrases like:

• “Tell me more.”

• “What did that feel like for you?”

• “I’m listening.”

This trains both emotional presence and social intelligence.

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4. Reframe Negative Self-Talk

Why it works: Cognitive reappraisal is a core EI skill that’s been linked to reduced anxiety and improved wellbeing (Gross & John, 2003).

Try this:

When you catch yourself in harsh or reactive self-talk, pause and ask:

• “Is this true?”

• “Is this helpful?”

• “What would I say to a friend in this moment?”

This builds both self-awareness and self-compassion—foundational traits of emotional intelligence.

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5. Commit to Emotional Education

Why it works: Like any skill, emotional intelligence grows with intention, learning, and feedback. If you are serious about self-growth, this step is important.

Try this:

• Read books like Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman), Permission to Feel (Marc Brackett), or Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)

• Engage in therapy or coaching

• Take feedback seriously and reflect on emotional blind spots

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Emotional intelligence isn’t about perfection—it’s about practice.

It’s about building a relationship with your emotions that doesn’t feel like a warzone or a mystery.

And whether you’re a leader, a partner, a parent, or just a human trying to navigate life—your ability to understand and regulate emotion is one of the most powerful tools you have.

Because when your emotions don’t run the show, your values can.